All’s good when you choose change. Moving around the world, working for a new company, buying a home and having a baby are exciting and joyful occasions. However, there are those times when change and choice are not in the same sentence. Life feels remarkably out of your control. Then what?
This week my life was disrupted, and the ripples are becoming not so gentle waves impacting my business, family, and day-to-day attitude. Not acceptable. However, I know I’m not alone. I’ll bet you have some sh*t going on in your life that’s creating waves as well.
For years, out of control change was one of the drivers for people to reach out to me for coaching. It’s nice to think that everyone is proactively creating their future with a coach but in truth, it’s often crisis that leads to action.
I’m never a fan of overused platitudes but I agree, “the best way out is always through.” Thanks, Robert Frost. I know it stinks to hear it when you’re in the midst of change that’s out of your control, but there is an “other side.” You’ll get there.
Sound familiar?…
Forced From Comfort to Crazy
Life is good. Comfortable enough that you regularly dare yourself to stretch and take risks. Then IT happens.
No need for me to write what your IT is, you know IT. You’re blindsided, stressed and unsure of what to do next. Options abound yet none of them sound good. You try your hardest to wake up from your bad dream and don’t want to accept that this is your life, and it’s time to deal with IT.
Chances are, you know that panicking is not a part of the solution, but it’s where most people start when unexpected change hits their life. I’ll be the first to raise my hand and admit that I’m right there with you.
Which road you take when change is out of your control is like living a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. Some of the paths in front of you lead to a terrible dead end and others to a much more satisfying conclusion. The beauty of a Choose Your Own Adventure novel is that if you don’t like the ending, you can go back and start over. The same applies to how you react and respond to unwanted change.
Which road do you choose to follow when change is out of your control?
[Tweet “When change is out of your control, write your next chapter instead of playing wait and see.”]
Three Paths When Life Takes You from Comfort to Crazy
I’ve been working in change management since the early 1990’s, and I’ve seen three consistent paths emerge when change strikes. In fact, many people meander down all three until making it out the other side.
1) Ask Everyone You Know What To Do
Usually, before the ask, this path also includes some whining and moaning about how horrible the situation is. Truthfully, complaining is okay as long as you keep it time bound. If you never leave the woe is me stage, no amount of advice seeking and wisdom gathering is going to help.
Pitfalls:
- Energy wasted on commiserating takes away energy from overcoming and stepping forward into what’s next.
- Everyone has a course of action that’s opposite of what you’re gut is telling you. Oh no!
- Letting someone else determine your fate.
Strengths:
- When you feel lost, aren’t you supposed to ask for directions?
- People who have been in a similar circumstance can share their experience.
- You won’t feel alone in your misery.
Reality:
Asking for input is a smart move to ensure you’re considering all of your options. However, you still need to choose another path to continue your journey; it doesn’t end here. Keep moving to path #3 – one of action, commitment and embracing the unknown. It’s tempting to ask forever and pretend that IT will simply go away, but it won’t.
2) Retreat and Hide
When IT strikes and something is out of your control, it’s tempting to run away. We’ve all read stories of sailors who would go beneath the deck to ride out the storm but it’s a mirage of safety. In actuality, it puts them at the mercy of the storm. When you hide from inevitable change, despite the fact that it’s out of your control, it doesn’t stop it and may, in fact, put you in harms way.
Pitfalls:
- Hiding gives away all of your remaining power. You are not powerless.
- Wallowing is painful and stress-inducing.
- There are some changes that you can’t wait out. This is one of them.
Strengths:
- When you’re alone, it gives you time to gather your thoughts and composure.
- You can tap into your inner knower without a lot of outside noise.
- No hasty moves, you’re busy hiding.
Reality:
Retreating does not have to be the same as doing everything you can to hide from the change (which is impossible.) Use your retreat to gain perspective and begin to formulate a plan forward. PS. Your change journey doesn’t end here either. It’s time for you to step down path #1 or (hopefully) #3.
3) Move Through Anger, Sadness, and Frustration to Productivity
You’ve made it here, the final chapter. It’s one filled with action and empowerment instead of victimhood. You may still be angry and disrupted, but you’re in control of what happens next. Weigh your options and start moving forward. You’re done with the “I don’t know” cycle and are entering the “I choose” phase.
[Tweet “Either you make things happen, or you watch them happen.”]
Pitfalls:
- You may be unsure of what to do.
- You may choose a less than ideal path forward.
- You don’t love where you land.
Strengths:
- You refuse to be at the mercy of the wind and are taking a proactive approach – kicking in your personal leadership!
- As you act, you’ll get to see and experience the impact of your decisions. You’re moving forward – no wallowing.
- If you’re not happy or satisfied with what’s next, you can make another choice. You are in control.
Reality:
This is the only path through to the other side of the change. Standing still won’t get you anywhere. Make a choice and go with it even when there’s no perfect solution. Don’t forget, every place you move will open up new possibilities.
[Tweet “When change is out of your control, don’t forget you can still choose your own adventure.”]
If you’re feeling paralyzed and don’t know what to do next, check out my eCourse Get Unstuck and Choose to Move. It’s specifically designed to help you figure out your next step when you are on the edge of change.
What tips can you share for when life’s changes are out of your control?
Great post Alli. Who have addressed head on the moment when we truly know if we are open to change. When change happens without our choosing, what path do we take.
Love this post and will be sharing it widely.
Thanks!
Kate
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™
Thanks, Kate! Choosing change is a far different process than when change is thrust upon you. Hope that people will see when they’re making choices that serve them vs choices that keep things swirling in uncertainty.
Many thanks for your connection and support!
Best,
Alli
Alli,
Great points on how to navigate change with pitfalls, strengths, and all. Through each step, the essential point is get-up-and-do with a developing plan underneath our actions. It may even be a simple cycle of Do-Adapt-Repeat.
Thanks!
Jon
With you. The key is DO. It takes some people a bit of meandering to get there.
Thanks, Jon!
Alli,
How timely this post was for me! A sudden and positive change in my life has caught me off guard. Yes, IT is good. So what’s the problem? Fear that IT is too good to be true has crept in. Odd as it may sound, it’s tempting to want to run away from IT.
So … after reading your post, I am going to retreat from IT for a few days to gain perspective, talk to fear about moving out of the way and open up to the new possibilities that IT can provide.
Terri
Terri,
Unexpected change, good or bad, can definitely throw you! Very happy to hear that yours could mean great things ahead and completely understand needing to get your head around it before moving. Hope your retreat is a time for you to think and explore without your saboteurs at the party.
Thanks for sharing! I think that most people assume that this only applies when change is completely unwelcome. Not the case.
~ Alli
Excellent post Alli… This is such a great reminder about unexpected change. We can either let change stagnate us or we can use change to propel us to better things ahead. Really appreciate this message…. Thank you Alli.
Thanks so much, Cynthia! Truly appreciate your support and connection!
~ Alli
As always, you really get us to think Alli about where we are headed and why take a certain path.
I have found that taking action, big or small, good or bad is always best. Even baby steps propel us down the new path. I also know that when I am feeling at a loss or work with clients who feel things are out of control, it is so helpful to gather as much information as possible. Having more data to work with and not relying on myths or rumors can truly empower us.
Thanks for moving me forward this morning Alli and will definitely share!
I agree, Terri. Ultimately, we need to get into action and along the way information gathering, questioning, and retreating to thoughtfully weigh or course of action is useful. My challenge is often the speed of change. When it’s long and drawn out, it can be painful or be used as time to prep and take off when the time is right.
Thanks so much, Terri!
Alli
Another winner, Alli!
The only ones who don’t fear change are babies, and that’s because they know what to expect! The rest of us respond with fear when something new pops into our life because it means change and moving into the unknown. It’s that fear of the unknown that 1) keeps us safe, but unchecked, can 2) keep us in a rut.
LOVE your steps—very practical and useful.
Yes! Change brings fear of the unknown 100% of the time. Even when people say they love change (and I do! I’m passionate about it!) there’s at least a moment of “oh crap” when you’re pulled out of comfort. I’ve found that when people are the most uncomfortable and the option to retreat is taken away, ultimately most people move forward or get off the train.
Thanks for your insights, LaRae!
~ Alli
This is such an important post for all to Consider!!! There will be unexpected changes that impact us to some degree all the time. Yes, maybe / hopefully, we are listening and watching carefully and – at least some times – we can anticipate their happening. This sentence really struck me: “When you’re alone, it gives you time to gather your thoughts and composure.” As you so clearly point out, there’s nothing bad with asking and with retreating. But for the right reasons: to gather information, Consider the options, make plans, and choose how to engage!!! As always, it’s our choice… Sadly, so many bury their head or look for other’s answers, to relegate what happens to themselves to other people with different agendas!!!
John,
What really struck me about your comment is your final sentence. It’s true, we all have different agendas and those agendas influence our well-intentioned advice. It happens all the time. It’s one thing to gather input and another to let someone else determine your fate.
Grateful for your insight!
~ Alli
Hi, Alli,
“Change” is not the word we want to hear because no one is comfortable to deal with unknown. But change can make people to grow no matter whether it is controled change or the change that is out of control.
Hide and ask are not the options. I total agree with you that right action is “move” which is the only way you can reach the other side. The faster you move, the faster you will be there. However, it is important that you must be patience so that you give yourself time to cool down (from anger, disappointment, and frustration) in order to make right choice for the move.
Love the post, Alli
Stella Chiu